His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
