Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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