boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
