I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
