OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
