Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
