i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
