i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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