mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
