dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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