Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
