I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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