Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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