Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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