Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Pooping to opera.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
