I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
