I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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