I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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