Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
