my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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