Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
