I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
please come you make the beer taste better
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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