from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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