I just saw a hot homeless man
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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