I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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