The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
