I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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