Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
