Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just forgot I was standing up.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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