I wish life had little blips of pornography
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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