So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
