if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
