Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
