I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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