He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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