How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
