On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
