so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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