why didn't you poke me back
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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