I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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