You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
