You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
