Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
