I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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