im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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