I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
