i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
