Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
