Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
