and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
