i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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